Quarter Life Crisis

First of all, I want to say that I frequently take my life for granted and this entry will seem like no exception. I am probably among the top .05% of people on Earth in terms of "quality of life" and opportunity. I am healthy (although right now I'm actually sick, ha), I have a great family, religious upbringing, and some of the best friends in the world. I had a *good* education at Olentangy, and have had this opportunity to go to college and study business at OSU, which has certainly been an experience to say the least. These are blessings that not a lot of people get to have, and I take them for granted far too often. Friends that are reading this, please forgive me for not appreciating you all like you deserve all the time. All this being said, this is not necessarily the life I want.

Don't get me wrong, I absolutely want all of you in my life and am so thankful that you are...this is more of a "I'm not ok with where I am, or where I'm going" thing. When I started at OSU I had no idea what I wanted to major in, or what I really wanted to do with my life. 2 and 1/2 years later I'm still wondering. I do know that as useful as a business degree is, and even with all the opportunities that come with it, I don't think it's what I want to do, and more importantly, what God wants me to do. I want something more.

"More" has not been revealed to me fully yet and I don't know when it will be. I do know that God has ignited a fire in my heart to do something great for Him and through Him. Maybe it's start an organization. Maybe it's learn how to actually write, and then do it. Maybe it's travel the globe, take in it's overwhelming majesty and give and receive the Holy Spirit with the people of the world. Maybe it's all of those. Right now I just feel overwhelmed with anticipation.

I have so much growing still to do. For someone with such a strong conviction, I sure have a lot of struggles. I doubt, but more importantly, I don't love like I should. Definitely something God has revealed to me through the past couple of sermons. I think deep down, I'm afraid to completely die to self and live for Christ. I'm holding myself back because I'm fearful of what it could look like. What if it means I don't get an internship this summer? What if it means I don't get an "acceptable" job out of college. I feel like, although my parents love me and want me to be happy, want me to play the societal game for lack of a better phrase. <- not appealing to me at all. I'm just not sure that they would fully understand whatever I ended up doing.

I've struggled with caring about school this quarter more than ever. I just don't feel like this is what I'm supposed to be doing in the long run, so it's hard for me to see ultimate purpose in my work.

A lot of times I've been bitter towards God for not giving me answers about things, but I am not angry about my lack of direction. I'm more excited than anything, I want to be moved. I am so small and weak, but this isn't about me. It's about God. He is so huge and so awesome that He can use me for something great despite my best efforts to drag my feet.

If you are reading this I ask two things. First, of course, is prayer. Prayer for wisdom and discernment. Prayer for patience. Prayer for peace. I also ask that for your support in whatever it is I end up doing with my life, and for patience with me as I struggle to figure it out. You are some of the greatest people on Earth so I know I can share my heart with you and be open. Thank you all for your love.

Adam

I want to see miracles,

To see the world change.

I want to wrestle the Angel,

For more than a name,

For more than a feeling,

For more than a cause.

I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You.