Time is weird. Sometimes I feel like my life is a blur, and sometimes I feel like things are moving impossibly slow. Right now I feel like summer is getting here faster than I want. I'm still not completely sold on LT. I mean I know it will change my life and be an amazing summer, but I'm just not sure it's what God is putting on my heart anymore. I think it's hard for me to discern convictions because of all the analyzing and thinking I do. I dwell on things so much that I end up tricking myself into thinking things that maybe werent what God had planned for me at all. I guess the good news is that I have a job with food service at the Estes Park Y, so I can go to LT now if I choose to. Still need some prayer for guidance about that though.

I ran 4 miles yesterday. My shins hurt today. I hope I didnt injure them. I really want to run again tomorrow, but I may have to hold off another day...or just run less distance. At least I'm actually running semi-routinely this quarter.

Lately I've been overwhelmed with a lot. All the job stuff I guess is finally just about over. At this point I can basically either go to LT, or find a job here that I will most likely hate for 3rd consecutive summer. School is kinda hard, but it's not because the material is too tough. It's because I don't have any passion for it whatsoever. I can't focus in any of my classes cause I just don't care enough. Lastly all these mind games have finally gotten the best of me. They have basically driven me crazy and I don't want to think about it anymore. Guess there is only one way to deal with that problem...

Another face
just like hers.
She won't hold back
without you.

The sun will find you
underneath your skin.
You can't hide it.
And I'll be there
waiting for you now.
Go on.

Her perfect eyes are bleeding.
Her mind so dead she can't take it.
Can't take the world,
It's too heavy.

The sun will find you
underneath your skin.
You can't hide it.
And I'll be there
waiting for you now.
Go on.

And under the mess
You're working against me.
You're wishing you're dead,
But I will amend you.
And you won't forget,
You won't forget me.
And wash out your hands.
It's time to come in

-Adam

As usual, I have a lot on my mind. I stressed out by just about every facet of my life. I actually got an email tonight saying that I was accepted into the LT program in Estes Park which is really exciting - but I have yet to hear from the YMCA if I would have a job out there or not. So really it doesnt matter unless I get a job with the Y. I'm not holding my breath for any internships, so right now I feel like it's LT or bust.

I've been (actually) running for the first time in 2 years. It's a modest start, but in the past 9 days I have ran 4 times for a total or roughly 9 miles. So far so good in terms of injuries, which makes this the longest I've gone in a running regiment without being hurt.

I've been thinking a lot tonight about trust and patience and what it looks like to have. I like to think that I have both, but it seems like there are a lot of cases where I don't show it. I think trust has a lot to do with world perception - glass half full or half empty. If you're optimistic, you see the best in people, and you trust what they are saying and believe that they don't have a reason to lie to you. If you're pessimistic, you tend to have almost a paranoia about people trying to deceive you, manipulate you, or whatever. I think that unfortunately, there are definitely times I fall into the latter category. I don't know if sometimes I just feel like I've been lied to and hurt in the past that it's harder for me to trust people I care about now, or what, but I need to fix it.

Patience is similar. If you're optimistic, it's not that hard to be patient. You know that good things are down the line and that they are worth waiting for. If you're pessimistic, you don't have confidence in your future and you worry, and you stress about things going on in your life and you want answers. Again, I fall into the latter category way more than I should.

I guess what it really comes down to is I need to become more optimistic. And I think the single most important thing that I have to remember is that happiness is a choice even if it doesn't always seem like it is. People who are in horrible living situations by any comparison to my own can be and are so much happier than me because they trust in God and they are patient for His love, even if they won't ever experience it in the form of high living standards on this earth. They might not even experience it the way they had hoped to, but because they choose to trust in Him, it's not hard to be patient, and it's not hard to feel His love, and it's not hard to be happy. You just have to choose to be.

Make this right.
We're going to,
Don't you worry.
We're going to.

All of the drawbridges
In the city are upright.
Nobody, not even you
Can bring them down.

So cry about it,
It's in your mind,
It's in your way.
It's underneath your skin.

I guess I was wrong,
The way I felt about you was right.
I guess it's alright.

One in a million
Chances are always on our side.
We're looking for anything.
Anything to keep us alright.
Alright

The next time you find yourself
In the water.
You hold tight.
And why don't you ask yourself
What you're living for.

So cry about it,
It's in your mind,
It's in your way.
It's underneath your skin.

I guess I was wrong,
The way I felt about you was right.

So hold on,
Won't you hold on.

One in a million
Chances are always on our side.
We're looking for anything.
Anything to keep us alright.
Alright

Happy, I just want to be happy
With myself tonight.

Make this right.
You've got to.
Don't you worry.
You've got to.

One in a million
Chances are always on our side.
We're looking for anything.
Anything to keep us alright.
Alright

Happy, I just want to be happy
With myself tonight

-Adam