Summer blog

Hey all,

So Im setting up a blog for the summer that I'll be updating when I'm out Colorado with pictures, stories, and thoughts. That will take the place of this blog for the summer so I'm going to link you to it.

http://hellofromestespark.blogspot.com/

I don't know how often I'll have the chance to update, but I'll try to make it semi frequent. Thanks for all the support and have a great summer.

Adam

Hey, Einstein

So once there was this guy, a pretty smart guy, who said "It's all relative." Well if we're being honest, I'm actually not sure that he said that, but he theorized it, so I'm attributing it to him. I think that some of Einstein's wisdom was dropped on my head yesterday. First, that whole relative thing, and then a quote that I arbitrarily put on my facebook a long time ago, but didn't really think about it until recently: "Life is a like riding a bicycle, to keep your balance, you must keep moving."

I mean think about it. How much of our life is objective? Almost none. We perceive the world through our own filters of experience, opinion, and emotion. I don't necessarily think this is a bad thing, it's one of those "it makes us human" qualities, but I do think it's important to remember that we have a limited view at our lives and the world. That's what it means to be finite and to have finite knowledge.

I've been really stressed about a lot of things lately: this week I was really stressed about friendships and exams, as well as the constant stress of life direction. What I really need is a little perspective. Of those three things, two matter. Exams have almost no relevance whatsoever in the grand scheme of things, so why worry about it? Friendships obviously matter a lot. I get by with a little help from them...ok so maybe a lot of help from them. But I don't think I've removed myself from my bias very well when it comes to these friendships. I've been being selfish and not really considering how other people may be feeling. This selfishness is just another futile attempt to try to control my life. Like God would really let something that important be left up to me. I mean sure we have free will, and I don't really want to philosophize about how foreknowledge and free will can coexist, but really, God's got my back.

He's got more than that. He has all of me. My back, front, hands, sore left elbow, and heart. This is getting into life direction. Still no epiphanies. That's a lie. I realized that I'm stressing about it so much because I'm not actively pursuing God' heart like I should be. I got frustrated after awhile when I didn't feel movement, and so I was kinda just like "Hey God, ok You come to me. When You do I'll listen." But that's like training for something, not getting to your goal quickly and giving up (Plus, what nerve I have!) Patience has never been something I do well with, but I'm really going to try and work on it.

I feel like I've shortchanged some relationships (especially with God) with my limited perspective, and unwillingness to remove myself from it. I'm sorry. It's not all about me. It's relative to all of us with the exception of God.

As for that other quote. Pretty self explanatory right? There's a lot of stuff that's going to discourage me (us) in this world. But if we stop moving forward, then were never going to grow, never going to be truly happy. Thinking back about the past few weeks and my discouragement shed that light on me. I was pretty content to wallow in self pity. LAME. Keep on keeping on. Ride the bike and don't stop moving cause you ran into a curb and fell off, or somebody cut you off and you have to take a different, unexplored trail.

God's got me (us)

Adam

P.S. Here's another good quote from Einstein that has no relevance to this post, but my nerdy self loves: "I know not with what weapons WWIII will be fought with, but WWIV will be fought with sticks and stones." Hear that scientists? Don't kill us all.

Time is weird. Sometimes I feel like my life is a blur, and sometimes I feel like things are moving impossibly slow. Right now I feel like summer is getting here faster than I want. I'm still not completely sold on LT. I mean I know it will change my life and be an amazing summer, but I'm just not sure it's what God is putting on my heart anymore. I think it's hard for me to discern convictions because of all the analyzing and thinking I do. I dwell on things so much that I end up tricking myself into thinking things that maybe werent what God had planned for me at all. I guess the good news is that I have a job with food service at the Estes Park Y, so I can go to LT now if I choose to. Still need some prayer for guidance about that though.

I ran 4 miles yesterday. My shins hurt today. I hope I didnt injure them. I really want to run again tomorrow, but I may have to hold off another day...or just run less distance. At least I'm actually running semi-routinely this quarter.

Lately I've been overwhelmed with a lot. All the job stuff I guess is finally just about over. At this point I can basically either go to LT, or find a job here that I will most likely hate for 3rd consecutive summer. School is kinda hard, but it's not because the material is too tough. It's because I don't have any passion for it whatsoever. I can't focus in any of my classes cause I just don't care enough. Lastly all these mind games have finally gotten the best of me. They have basically driven me crazy and I don't want to think about it anymore. Guess there is only one way to deal with that problem...

Another face
just like hers.
She won't hold back
without you.

The sun will find you
underneath your skin.
You can't hide it.
And I'll be there
waiting for you now.
Go on.

Her perfect eyes are bleeding.
Her mind so dead she can't take it.
Can't take the world,
It's too heavy.

The sun will find you
underneath your skin.
You can't hide it.
And I'll be there
waiting for you now.
Go on.

And under the mess
You're working against me.
You're wishing you're dead,
But I will amend you.
And you won't forget,
You won't forget me.
And wash out your hands.
It's time to come in

-Adam

As usual, I have a lot on my mind. I stressed out by just about every facet of my life. I actually got an email tonight saying that I was accepted into the LT program in Estes Park which is really exciting - but I have yet to hear from the YMCA if I would have a job out there or not. So really it doesnt matter unless I get a job with the Y. I'm not holding my breath for any internships, so right now I feel like it's LT or bust.

I've been (actually) running for the first time in 2 years. It's a modest start, but in the past 9 days I have ran 4 times for a total or roughly 9 miles. So far so good in terms of injuries, which makes this the longest I've gone in a running regiment without being hurt.

I've been thinking a lot tonight about trust and patience and what it looks like to have. I like to think that I have both, but it seems like there are a lot of cases where I don't show it. I think trust has a lot to do with world perception - glass half full or half empty. If you're optimistic, you see the best in people, and you trust what they are saying and believe that they don't have a reason to lie to you. If you're pessimistic, you tend to have almost a paranoia about people trying to deceive you, manipulate you, or whatever. I think that unfortunately, there are definitely times I fall into the latter category. I don't know if sometimes I just feel like I've been lied to and hurt in the past that it's harder for me to trust people I care about now, or what, but I need to fix it.

Patience is similar. If you're optimistic, it's not that hard to be patient. You know that good things are down the line and that they are worth waiting for. If you're pessimistic, you don't have confidence in your future and you worry, and you stress about things going on in your life and you want answers. Again, I fall into the latter category way more than I should.

I guess what it really comes down to is I need to become more optimistic. And I think the single most important thing that I have to remember is that happiness is a choice even if it doesn't always seem like it is. People who are in horrible living situations by any comparison to my own can be and are so much happier than me because they trust in God and they are patient for His love, even if they won't ever experience it in the form of high living standards on this earth. They might not even experience it the way they had hoped to, but because they choose to trust in Him, it's not hard to be patient, and it's not hard to feel His love, and it's not hard to be happy. You just have to choose to be.

Make this right.
We're going to,
Don't you worry.
We're going to.

All of the drawbridges
In the city are upright.
Nobody, not even you
Can bring them down.

So cry about it,
It's in your mind,
It's in your way.
It's underneath your skin.

I guess I was wrong,
The way I felt about you was right.
I guess it's alright.

One in a million
Chances are always on our side.
We're looking for anything.
Anything to keep us alright.
Alright

The next time you find yourself
In the water.
You hold tight.
And why don't you ask yourself
What you're living for.

So cry about it,
It's in your mind,
It's in your way.
It's underneath your skin.

I guess I was wrong,
The way I felt about you was right.

So hold on,
Won't you hold on.

One in a million
Chances are always on our side.
We're looking for anything.
Anything to keep us alright.
Alright

Happy, I just want to be happy
With myself tonight.

Make this right.
You've got to.
Don't you worry.
You've got to.

One in a million
Chances are always on our side.
We're looking for anything.
Anything to keep us alright.
Alright

Happy, I just want to be happy
With myself tonight

-Adam

I'm still waiting for you to be the one I'm waiting for.

Quarter Life Crisis

First of all, I want to say that I frequently take my life for granted and this entry will seem like no exception. I am probably among the top .05% of people on Earth in terms of "quality of life" and opportunity. I am healthy (although right now I'm actually sick, ha), I have a great family, religious upbringing, and some of the best friends in the world. I had a *good* education at Olentangy, and have had this opportunity to go to college and study business at OSU, which has certainly been an experience to say the least. These are blessings that not a lot of people get to have, and I take them for granted far too often. Friends that are reading this, please forgive me for not appreciating you all like you deserve all the time. All this being said, this is not necessarily the life I want.

Don't get me wrong, I absolutely want all of you in my life and am so thankful that you are...this is more of a "I'm not ok with where I am, or where I'm going" thing. When I started at OSU I had no idea what I wanted to major in, or what I really wanted to do with my life. 2 and 1/2 years later I'm still wondering. I do know that as useful as a business degree is, and even with all the opportunities that come with it, I don't think it's what I want to do, and more importantly, what God wants me to do. I want something more.

"More" has not been revealed to me fully yet and I don't know when it will be. I do know that God has ignited a fire in my heart to do something great for Him and through Him. Maybe it's start an organization. Maybe it's learn how to actually write, and then do it. Maybe it's travel the globe, take in it's overwhelming majesty and give and receive the Holy Spirit with the people of the world. Maybe it's all of those. Right now I just feel overwhelmed with anticipation.

I have so much growing still to do. For someone with such a strong conviction, I sure have a lot of struggles. I doubt, but more importantly, I don't love like I should. Definitely something God has revealed to me through the past couple of sermons. I think deep down, I'm afraid to completely die to self and live for Christ. I'm holding myself back because I'm fearful of what it could look like. What if it means I don't get an internship this summer? What if it means I don't get an "acceptable" job out of college. I feel like, although my parents love me and want me to be happy, want me to play the societal game for lack of a better phrase. <- not appealing to me at all. I'm just not sure that they would fully understand whatever I ended up doing.

I've struggled with caring about school this quarter more than ever. I just don't feel like this is what I'm supposed to be doing in the long run, so it's hard for me to see ultimate purpose in my work.

A lot of times I've been bitter towards God for not giving me answers about things, but I am not angry about my lack of direction. I'm more excited than anything, I want to be moved. I am so small and weak, but this isn't about me. It's about God. He is so huge and so awesome that He can use me for something great despite my best efforts to drag my feet.

If you are reading this I ask two things. First, of course, is prayer. Prayer for wisdom and discernment. Prayer for patience. Prayer for peace. I also ask that for your support in whatever it is I end up doing with my life, and for patience with me as I struggle to figure it out. You are some of the greatest people on Earth so I know I can share my heart with you and be open. Thank you all for your love.

Adam

I want to see miracles,

To see the world change.

I want to wrestle the Angel,

For more than a name,

For more than a feeling,

For more than a cause.

I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You.

My brain is currently pretty scrambled. Last night I had a weird dream. I was on a road trip with Ben, Sarah, and Ellen. We had stopped to eat at some random diner and our waiter had super powers or something. He kept showing us weird tricks like disappearing and reappearing and that kind of thing. He also was cool with us taking extra things from the restaurant...as in extra pop, silverware w/e. Then he charged us like 25% of the real price of the meal. As we were leaving everyone was in the car except for Ben and then the waiter opened the restaurant door and pointed a gun at me (driver's seat). Ben then yelled that we werent allowed to leave. Then I woke up. I think this was showing me some insight into how I can't do things alone, but I'm trying to. I think that the waiter was supposed to be Satan and obviously the encouragement to steal from the restaurant parallels him tempting me. The end I think represents how I (we) am not capable of leaving that sin on my own. I can't just walk away from it when I want. It's apart of my nature. Just some thoughts on my dream.

I was also thinking a lot about salvation. Sometimes I wonder if I have it. Maybe that's ridiculous, maybe it isn't. Is it limited to the acceptance of Christ into your heart, or is it more? I don't know the answer. It seems like it shouldn't be enough to just accept Him because that doesn't really have a bearing on how you live your life. But if being saved has to do with pursuit then I don't know if it's possible. I mean even when I'm putting everything I have into that pursuit, which is admittedly pretty rare, I am not perfect in that pursuit. That would mean either a: I need to be perfect in that pursuit, or b: there is some sort of acceptable level of pursuit, or c: as long as you're trying you're hardest you're fine. C seems like the most likely so I'll settle on that.

The other thing I was thinking about is what it means to follow Christ in the first place. Is it just trying to live like Him? If that's what it is then were just supposed to live by the morals set forth in the new testament. I guess I'm ok with that. I don't know what I'm getting at. I guess just sometimes I wonder what is right and what isn't. My brain feels fried cause I spend too much time thinking. Everyone has their own agenda, so it's not really something you can talk to people about. Everyone seems to want their beliefs validated by having more people believe the same thing. That's sad to me.

It's also come to my attention (again) how intolerant people are. Especially people that value being so holy and Christian. What kind of church teaches radical elitism to its members to the point that everyone else is wrong and going to hell? I'm no Bible scholar, but in all that I've read, I've never pictured Jesus as someone who encouraged people to judge. What a horrible picture of "love." It's self serving and self validating. You have to be pretty insecure in what you believe to condemn everyone else for no other reason than that they disagree....or even just do things differently. Just some thoughts.

I'm going to read the Catechism to gain a better understanding of the Catholic faith.

I don't know what else to say. I need to eat dinner.

Peace.

Adam