Once the skeptic, now the critic

So I'm using a line from one of my favorite songs (Never take Friendship Personal) from my favorite band (anberlin) as the spring board for my thoughts right now.

Once the skeptic, now the critic.

I used to be the skeptic towards a lot of things in my life. My faith is the obvious example here. For those of you that don't know, I was in a pretty dry desert for the better part of 3 years until recently. For a long time I was skeptical towards God and his existence, how there can be evil in the world, how there are some things in the Word that really just don't make sense. Luckily God has opened my heart to a greater acceptance of some of the things that don't just click in my head. The change in my life has been good but I'm concerned about something. Im about as critical a person as they come. Critical of everything really, myself in particular, but I've also found myself of being critical of God, church, and of others and I'm not ok with it. I can't really figure out why I've seen this surge in criticizing.

I think when it comes to me...I'm just not happy. I know somethings that would make me happy, and I don't know others. For example. I know I would be happier if I was finally able to put God first in every aspect of my life. I know there is someone that would make me really happy to be with. I don't know what would make me happy in life though.

I think that it's because of my general unhappiness that I'm so critical of myself. How ironic...I beat myself up over things that I'm not happy about which means I think more about those things and dwell on them. How unhealthy. I just don't really know how to stop that from happening.

I think I one thing that is causing me anxiety is that I have no idea what I want to do with my life and it's starting to be crunch time. I schedule on Friday and there are 4 classes that serve a purpose towards my current degree. After that I have to decide what I'm going to do, or waste time. I just haven't felt like the business school is where I belong. Some of the people in Fisher are amazing. I have some great friends in the school and they are people that I really care about and respect. BUT, it seems like there are a lot of people that don't share the same values as me, and I feel like there are a lot of things about the major that encourage values that I don't have or want to have. I know that there are going to be people that don't have the same values as me on any path that I choose, but I think there are majors that aren't so money (basically greed) focused as much of the business school is. Any business school people that read this: please don't think I'm slamming you cause if you are reading this you are probably one of the people that I care about and respect and don't fall under this rant. Anyway, I just lack direction and passion for anyone subject and can't seem to figure it out. I need to soon cause I don't want to waste my (and my parent's) money at school chasing air.

Ultimately I am critical of myself because I'm "not smart enough or good enough" to figure out what I'm passionate about. I'm not "good enough" when trying to live for God and I come up short in glorifying him in what I do. I don't know. I've gone from being skeptical and cynical about generally everything, to being critical of myself in everything. Stephen Christian (anberlin's lead singer) you are wise in your lyricizing. You know me well.

That's it for now...sorry this entry was a downer and sloppily written.

Peace and blessings,

Adam

P.E.F. Ohio State still controls their own destiny for the rose bowl...they should generate a win streak this week and go to Happy Valley with a chance as long as Pryor shows up and continues to improve. As for the niners....well Alex Smith looked respectable in the loss. Hopefully they can pull off a big upset this weekend against the Colts, but I'm not going to hold my breath.

Currently listening: Never Take Friendship Personal (Anberlin)

AND

Dismantle. Repair. (Anberlin)

Which kind of person are you?

I'm going to adapt a quote from Tommy Lasorda for the purposes of this entry.

"There are three kinds of people: those who make it happen, those who watch it happen, and those who wonder what happens."

I want to know, which kind of person are you?

I think I'm probably a mixture of the three. I can think of examples in my life where I was taking charge and "making it happen." I can also think of times when I was apart of the team, but "watching it happen." Sadly, I can also think of some times in my life where I sat by, did nothing and now wonder what would have happened.

I don't believe in that quote, "the only regrets you have in life are the risks you don't take." cause well, I've taken a lot of risks that I was foolish to take and regret doing so, but I don't sitting back and letting the world pass you by is the best thing either...at least, it's not how I want to experience life.

Risk taking is great because I believe it's one of the many things that has a balance - a grey if you will. I think the key is to approach most risks with logic, decide if the worst case scenario is worth it if there's a chance for the best case, and go for it. Just keep in mind that time is another factor. Sometimes it's better to wait to take the risk because you may be able to reduce the worst case if you do.

The ultimate trump card is prayer though. I believe that no matter what, if you feel conviction about something, you should always do it, even if it goes against logic. If it's a true conviction from God then His logic will win out over yours every time. The only hard part about that is knowing if you're heart is truly being convicted....I mean I can't tell.

Recently I THINK I've been being convicted to become a pastor/writer and to travel doing ministry and giving away books. Any of you that read this blog are probably cracking up because as you can tell, I'm not a very good writer, and I feel like I fall way short when it comes to the kind of dedication and wisdom it takes to be pastor. But when I close my eyes and think about what I want to do, that's what I see. I don't know...I guess it's just something I'll have to keep praying about.

Well I think that's it for tonight. Posts were down this week due to me getting hit with the swiner. I've been home since Tuesday afternoon and just been laying in bed bored. I played a lot of lemmings and watched a lot of tv online. Tomorrow I think I'm going to feel good enough to start getting all my work done for Monday. I'm getting up early so I can knock out about 3 hours before I start watching football (as that will take up a good portion of the day) and hopefully I can get most of the rest done after the ND vs USC game. I hope everyone has great weekends and stays healthy.

Peace and blessings,

Adam

P.E.F. ok so I'm taking Oklahoma over Texas (38 - 27) and I'm taking Ohio State over Purdue (41 - 10). I'm taking a risk (ha) by taking Notre Dame over USC (28 - 24). I was fairly good on my Bucks score last week, but not on my big game call from Duron Carter. Well I'm not discouraged. The offense is going to get on track this week and Carter will have his big game. I'll call it again: 2 touchdowns. Also, I'm happy for the Bearcats and their current undefeated season, and I'm happy for the state of Ohio, but UCinci fans...can you please get off your high horse? You play in the Big East...one of the two leagues actually inferior to the Big Ten and after watching you play....you're probably around the 18th or 19th best team in the country. Ohio State would win by 3 touchdowns if they played Cinci. I hope you don't go undefeated and have to play Florida or Bama cause well it would be one for the record books...make OSU's loss to Florida look like last year's Super Bowl.

Currently Listening: Dead Poetic - Vices

Feeling cold, feeling empty. Set the stage, where you want me.
And this crowd right before me doesn’t care that I’m dying.
And the audience stands with their eyes fixed on the preconceived version of me.
I’m so betrayed by your hopes, but I will not hide myself for your peace of mind.

Oh, but Child. I’ve got Vices like any other man.

Raise a boy to a cynic. Take his love, and then let it turn into something passionate.
Something sick, something rabid.
And I vent to keep myself from caving. I don’t hate you, I just hate where I’m heading.
I’m left here asking, when did I trade in my bleeding heart for a selfish win?

Oh, but Mother. I’ve got Vices like any other man.
Vices that you’re not used to. Vices that’ll make you think less of me.

Leave me numb. Leave me jaded. She’s a dream, I just play dead.
I’ve been blessed, I’ve been hated. She’s the constant, and I’m her addict.
She’s the only peace in this world, uneasy.
While I bite my tongue to keep from breaking the heart that I’ve spent my whole life seeking.
The only heart I’ve ever needed.

Oh, but Lover. I’ve got Vices like any other man.
Vices that you’re not used to. Vices that’ll make you think...
Oh, but Lover. I’ve got Vices like any other man.
Vices that you’re not used to. Vices that’ll make you think less of me. Less of me.

Feeling cold, feeling empty. I am low, unworthy.
Bleed the God. Bleed the blessing. Like a vulture feasting.
I’ll exist as if I don’t feel conviction of my ignorance to my perfect prison.
But I feel the stabs on my wrists and ankles every time I try...

To forget you. To forget you.

Oh, but Jesus. I’ve got Vices like any other man.
Vices that you’re so used to. Vices that won’t make you think less of me

Good evening. I've been trying to go to sleep for the past half hour or so but I'm pretty jacked up on sugar from the little h20 gathering earlier. Played some good basketball and then had some amazing dessert...not even sure exactly what it was but it was excellent and I ate a lot of it. Needless to say I will be awake for awhile and so I might as well get some thoughts out.

1st let me just say that it is really lame when you lose $140 on a paypal purchase when you don't have a paypal account and havent bought anything for $140. Yea, that happened to me on Sept. 21 and I just found out about it today. Great stuff. Not happy. My day was also very unproductive and to be honest, I'm still a little bitter about losing two straight euchre games (2nd one was a blowout)

Speaking of euchre, I think it was revealed to me that I am extremely impatient. I get frustrated very easily and I just want things to happen. I don't like the wait. Ironically, I actually do like to wait on school work, but other than that, basically no patience.

I think patience is important. Maybe that's obvious, but as a society I think we generally lack it. I know I do. Patience can mean not getting peeved when youre waiting in line at McDonalds. Patience can mean not getting upset if someone shows up 5 or 10 minutes late to something. Patience can mean waiting on someone or something. Whatever it means to your life, just try to relax and let it all come to you. As they say, take what the defense gives you, and go with the plays that are called. Just understand that things take time. This is such an important thing for me to remember. A lot of the time I want God to answer my prayer or work in my life instantly, sort of like a genie or super Santa Claus or something. I guess I figure God can make it happen and I don't want to wait so why not? But God has a plan and for it to be revealed to us we must have patience. We have to be willing to wait and endure some of the hardships that are a direct result of that.

I think patience and faith (and worrying) are linked pretty close together. Like a lack of faith means a lot of impatience and a lot of worrying. This would explain why I worry so much and why I'm so impatient. It's just something I really need to work on and hopefully by trusting in God, I will get better at relaxing over time.

Great well I should try to sleep. I am going to have to devote a lot of my football saturday to hw unfortunately. Oh well. Have great weekends everyone.

Adam

Currently listening: Anberlin: Dismantle. Repair. (Acoustic)

P.E.F. Go Ohio, beat the Badgers. I'll take the Bucks 31-20 tomorrow with a big day coming from Duron Carter.

So Contagious

This song is perfect for what's going on in my mind right now: Acceptance - So Contagious

Oh no, this couldn't be more unexpected
And I can tell that I've been moving in so slow
Don't let it throw you off too far
Cause I'll be running right behind you

Could this be out of line? (Could this be out of line?)
To say you're the only one breaking me down like this
You're the only one I would take a shot on
Keep me hanging on so contagiously

Oohhh, when I'm around you I'm predictable
Cause I believe in loving you with first sight
I know it's crazy but I'm hoping to..
To take a hold of you

Could this be out of line? (Could this be out of line?)
To say you're the only one breaking me down like this
You're the only one I would take a shot on
Keep me hanging on so contagiously

Oh you're everything I'm wanting
Come to think of it, I'm aching
On account of my transgression..
Will you welcome this confession?

Could this be out of line? (Could this be out of line?)
To say you're the only one breaking me down like this
You're the only one I would take a shot on
Keep me hanging on so contagiously

Could this be out of line? (Could this be out of line?)
To say you're the only one breaking me down like this
You're the only one I would take a shot on
Keep me hanging on so contagiously

New Contacts

The other day I got up about an hour before class so I would have time to shower and get woken up and get ready. Part of getting ready for me is putting in my contacts since I have relatively poor vision without them, and I don't like the smearyness of glasses. Well I went into put my right contact (always first) and then my left. I looked in the mirror and my vision was noticeably blurry. Blurry enough that I knew I would struggle that day to see things well enough. Luckily, I have additional contacts in my room and so all I had to do was throw out my old contacts and put in the new ones. With the new contacts my vision was, well as good as it gets. Everything was much clearer and I felt confident about my eyesight once again.

I think a lot of times in our relationships we get stuck wearing old contacts. Contacts that are ripped or damaged, or just have a lot of buildup and don't work as well. We approach things the same way, we view the person the same way, we fall into a routine, and we lose sight of some of the things that are great about someone. Call it boredom if you want, but I think boredom is unfair to the other person. It's us that have stopped trying to learn about the other person and their experiences and were the ones who have gotten in the habit of expecting the same thing. I think people that are unwilling to put on new contacts are the ones that end up having a lot of hardship in their relationships. I've been there, and it was because I was unwilling to just change my perspective that I experienced such failure.

Looking at a relationship in a new way isnt easy...at least not as easy going to your room and changing your contacts. It's all about a mental approach. If you want to see things differently, experience things differently, you can. You just have to break away from old habits that have confined you. This can be applied to all relationships, but I think it's most relevant in our relationship with God. A lot of people say it's good to have a routine with God, but honestly I think this is part of the reason I ended up in a desert. I think it's important to have a routine of changing your routine with God. Do things differently every week, maybe even every day. God has so many facets that we will never get to know if we just read the Bible in the mornings, and pray at nights. Really experience God by varying your routine. Go out and just take Him in. He's everywhere. Go on mission trips and see how His love is revealed in people who have nothing (amazing by the way) Have Bible studies. General fellowship. Whatever have you, but keep things fresh. How often do you change your contacts? Do you even change your contacts at all?

I'm supposed to change my contacts every two weeks. In reality, I probably change my contacts about once a month, maybe even longer if I don't feel a pressing need to. Probably not the best situation for my eyes, but it's not that big of a deal. But God is a big deal, nay, the BIGGEST deal and changing your contacts is something that can do wonders for your relationship with Him, so do it regularly.

Peace and blessings.

Adam

P.E.F. : nebraska vs. missouri tonight...eh. hopefully it'll be a good game, but it's one that I will only need to devote about half my attention to so hopefully I'll get some work done as well. Boo econ.

Currently Listening to: Jars of Clay: Disappear

I watch you smile, you steal the show

You take a bow, the curtain falls in front of you

You're magical, on display

I gaze into your eyes and you turn to look the other way...

I'd really like to know, I'd really like to climb

Way into your heart, and see what I could find.

What would You have me do?

"What would you have me do?"

Do you ever find yourself asking that question? It's often the proposition we arrive at when we are lost in a relationship: when we feel like we've done everything we can, but still aren't seeing any progress. Maybe it's a relationship with a girlfriend/boyfriend now that you know each other better and everything's not fields of daisies, maybe it's a relationship with your parents when you can't seem to agree on direction, or maybe, it's a relationship with God and a lack of movement spiritually. Well in my case, it was that final situation that posed the most relevance, and I never really thought that that was what was going on but watching "The Dark Knight" helped shed some light. When the Joker is killing people and demanding the Batman turn himself in, Bruce Wayne asks his butler Alfred that same question: "What would you have me do, Alfred." The response is a good one, and is certainly not lost on this blogger: "Endure, Mr. Wayne. Endure."

Think about it. Endure. It's a pretty simple word, but what does it mean? Dictionary.com says that enduring means to bear without resistance or with patience, to sustain without yielding or impairment. I think this is a good definition, but it lacks the kind of effort that I picture when I think of what it means to endure hardships in your relationship with your significant other, or, more importantly, those spiritual deserts with God.

Unfortunately, my vocabulary isn't grand enough to know a word that satisfies what I am picturing, but you could say it's a hybrid of endurance and pursuit. After recently getting out of the longest spiritual desert in my life I have learned that it was this pursuit that was lacking. I was doing everything I could to endure, but it wasn't enough. I needed to be actively pursuing the LORD, hunting Him down, and getting the struggling relationship back on track. I believe that it's the hard times that require the most effort. Think of Jacob in Genesis 32. He has been wresting with a man (God) all night and has ENDURED for the entire time. Finally, Jacob's hip is wrenched, and the man is asking to be let go. This is where someone who is only enduring would oblige, but Jacob has an additional quality: he is aggressive. He pursues and says, "I will not let you go unless you bless me." (Gen. 32: 26) We need to be more like Jacob. Not only unwilling to yield, but willing to make demands. Willing to go on the offensive with God.

I'm not trying to say that this is an easy thing to do, because it's not, but don't be afraid to wrestle with God as opposed to bracing yourself for life and hoping that you always feel God leading you. It won't happen. The relationship is a two way street, but many of us are either afraid to drive, or don't know how.

I'm also not saying that great times with God are easy either. This requires a different kind of pursuit. It requires an insatiable appetite for love and for growth. I just think that when you can feel the Father's love, everything else is a little easier.

I'm just starting to feel my repaired relationship with Christ and I feel like I have a lot to share, or at least, a lot that God would want me to share as it comes up, and I will try to do that. Hopefully this little stream of consciousness will be relevant for some of you, but I realize I'm not the most accomplished writer and thinker, and certainly not the most accomplished believer, so hopefully this post will stir something that God will work on in your hearts. I really have no power, just thoughts. Christ is the One who does all the work.

Peace and blessings,

Adam

P.E.F. (Post Entry Football) 49ers sign Crabtree!!! If he's as good as he should be the 49ers just went from likely nfcw division winners to legitimate super bowl contenders. With a healthy Frank Gore and that defense, all they really needed was a playmaker in the passing game, which they now have. Look out nfl, sf is starting their second hand this year.

Ok, so apparently my intentions to write frequently have not been realized...but I have a few things to say that have accumulated over the past 5 months.

The first thing is about priorities. Ultimately, I believe the number one priority in everyone's life should be Christ, and the pursuit of the perfect relationship with Him. I realize that because of our less than perfect earthly circumstances, this "perfect" relationship is impossible, but it doesn't mean we should stop aspiring to reach it.

There's always room for improvement. That's something I've learned a lot over the summer, mostly from disc golf. I know, I know, not exactly the best thing to compare to a relationship with the Creator and Ruler of the universe, but it's what came to mind. Over the summer I was perpetually improving on my drives and approach shots, but made little progress on my putting. It's like I was overly focused on the big picture: the power drive, the long miracle shots, and I was completely oblivious, and almost unwilling to work and improve on the fine details that make a good putter a good putter. I think that can be related a lot to my relationship with Jesus. I'm always focused on hitting the home run, making these huge strides or breakthroughs in my walk. I want to feel progress in the form of revolutionary jumps, but that's not how relationships work. It's about details. It's the smallest things that make the difference. I guess you could say that I disagree with Kevin James in that you SHOULD sweat the small stuff.

I need to pick up on some of the things that make a relationship with Christ move. Read the Word more consistently, be more devoted to quiet time, have spiritual patience, and really just start to embody the love and acceptance that Christ has for us. Always going for the home run is not the best way to be a successful hitter. Hit for average, take the singles, and make progress.

The message this Sunday at church really helped me a lot. The idea of being free to hope really hit home because it has been awhile since I have felt that way. I've been disappointed in my lack of progress, my perpetual doubts, and in general, have lacked hope in my faith. This weekend it really hit me that this was exactly what had been going on and I prayed a lot during the service. It was the first time I could FEEL the Spirit moving through me in a long time and I have a new hope in my relationship with Jesus Christ.

I guess that is it for now, I'm going to make (cook!!) dinner for myself and then work on some bus fin 510 while I watch "the most anticipated monday night football game in history." Speaking of football: shout out to the Bucks (4-1) and the 49ers (3-1) on great starts to their respective seasons so far. Looking forward to the rest of it.

ENJOY OCTOBER WEATHER!!!! It's the best!

Peace and blessings!

Adam (Nougateri) French