As usual, I have a lot on my mind. I stressed out by just about every facet of my life. I actually got an email tonight saying that I was accepted into the LT program in Estes Park which is really exciting - but I have yet to hear from the YMCA if I would have a job out there or not. So really it doesnt matter unless I get a job with the Y. I'm not holding my breath for any internships, so right now I feel like it's LT or bust.

I've been (actually) running for the first time in 2 years. It's a modest start, but in the past 9 days I have ran 4 times for a total or roughly 9 miles. So far so good in terms of injuries, which makes this the longest I've gone in a running regiment without being hurt.

I've been thinking a lot tonight about trust and patience and what it looks like to have. I like to think that I have both, but it seems like there are a lot of cases where I don't show it. I think trust has a lot to do with world perception - glass half full or half empty. If you're optimistic, you see the best in people, and you trust what they are saying and believe that they don't have a reason to lie to you. If you're pessimistic, you tend to have almost a paranoia about people trying to deceive you, manipulate you, or whatever. I think that unfortunately, there are definitely times I fall into the latter category. I don't know if sometimes I just feel like I've been lied to and hurt in the past that it's harder for me to trust people I care about now, or what, but I need to fix it.

Patience is similar. If you're optimistic, it's not that hard to be patient. You know that good things are down the line and that they are worth waiting for. If you're pessimistic, you don't have confidence in your future and you worry, and you stress about things going on in your life and you want answers. Again, I fall into the latter category way more than I should.

I guess what it really comes down to is I need to become more optimistic. And I think the single most important thing that I have to remember is that happiness is a choice even if it doesn't always seem like it is. People who are in horrible living situations by any comparison to my own can be and are so much happier than me because they trust in God and they are patient for His love, even if they won't ever experience it in the form of high living standards on this earth. They might not even experience it the way they had hoped to, but because they choose to trust in Him, it's not hard to be patient, and it's not hard to feel His love, and it's not hard to be happy. You just have to choose to be.

Make this right.
We're going to,
Don't you worry.
We're going to.

All of the drawbridges
In the city are upright.
Nobody, not even you
Can bring them down.

So cry about it,
It's in your mind,
It's in your way.
It's underneath your skin.

I guess I was wrong,
The way I felt about you was right.
I guess it's alright.

One in a million
Chances are always on our side.
We're looking for anything.
Anything to keep us alright.
Alright

The next time you find yourself
In the water.
You hold tight.
And why don't you ask yourself
What you're living for.

So cry about it,
It's in your mind,
It's in your way.
It's underneath your skin.

I guess I was wrong,
The way I felt about you was right.

So hold on,
Won't you hold on.

One in a million
Chances are always on our side.
We're looking for anything.
Anything to keep us alright.
Alright

Happy, I just want to be happy
With myself tonight.

Make this right.
You've got to.
Don't you worry.
You've got to.

One in a million
Chances are always on our side.
We're looking for anything.
Anything to keep us alright.
Alright

Happy, I just want to be happy
With myself tonight

-Adam

I'm still waiting for you to be the one I'm waiting for.

Quarter Life Crisis

First of all, I want to say that I frequently take my life for granted and this entry will seem like no exception. I am probably among the top .05% of people on Earth in terms of "quality of life" and opportunity. I am healthy (although right now I'm actually sick, ha), I have a great family, religious upbringing, and some of the best friends in the world. I had a *good* education at Olentangy, and have had this opportunity to go to college and study business at OSU, which has certainly been an experience to say the least. These are blessings that not a lot of people get to have, and I take them for granted far too often. Friends that are reading this, please forgive me for not appreciating you all like you deserve all the time. All this being said, this is not necessarily the life I want.

Don't get me wrong, I absolutely want all of you in my life and am so thankful that you are...this is more of a "I'm not ok with where I am, or where I'm going" thing. When I started at OSU I had no idea what I wanted to major in, or what I really wanted to do with my life. 2 and 1/2 years later I'm still wondering. I do know that as useful as a business degree is, and even with all the opportunities that come with it, I don't think it's what I want to do, and more importantly, what God wants me to do. I want something more.

"More" has not been revealed to me fully yet and I don't know when it will be. I do know that God has ignited a fire in my heart to do something great for Him and through Him. Maybe it's start an organization. Maybe it's learn how to actually write, and then do it. Maybe it's travel the globe, take in it's overwhelming majesty and give and receive the Holy Spirit with the people of the world. Maybe it's all of those. Right now I just feel overwhelmed with anticipation.

I have so much growing still to do. For someone with such a strong conviction, I sure have a lot of struggles. I doubt, but more importantly, I don't love like I should. Definitely something God has revealed to me through the past couple of sermons. I think deep down, I'm afraid to completely die to self and live for Christ. I'm holding myself back because I'm fearful of what it could look like. What if it means I don't get an internship this summer? What if it means I don't get an "acceptable" job out of college. I feel like, although my parents love me and want me to be happy, want me to play the societal game for lack of a better phrase. <- not appealing to me at all. I'm just not sure that they would fully understand whatever I ended up doing.

I've struggled with caring about school this quarter more than ever. I just don't feel like this is what I'm supposed to be doing in the long run, so it's hard for me to see ultimate purpose in my work.

A lot of times I've been bitter towards God for not giving me answers about things, but I am not angry about my lack of direction. I'm more excited than anything, I want to be moved. I am so small and weak, but this isn't about me. It's about God. He is so huge and so awesome that He can use me for something great despite my best efforts to drag my feet.

If you are reading this I ask two things. First, of course, is prayer. Prayer for wisdom and discernment. Prayer for patience. Prayer for peace. I also ask that for your support in whatever it is I end up doing with my life, and for patience with me as I struggle to figure it out. You are some of the greatest people on Earth so I know I can share my heart with you and be open. Thank you all for your love.

Adam

I want to see miracles,

To see the world change.

I want to wrestle the Angel,

For more than a name,

For more than a feeling,

For more than a cause.

I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You.